"Ukraine War" Monopoly Goes on Sale in Moscow
It has shockingly good reviews on Russia's Amazon rip-off site.
Ah, Russia—never one to let a catastrophic military failure get in the way of a good grift.
In a stunning display of historical revisionism and delusion, a new board game celebrating Russia’s floundering invasion of Ukraine is now available on Wildberries, Russia’s version of Amazon.
Dubbed “Special Operation on the Outskirts,”—because calling it “Blunder: The Putin Edition” was apparently too on-the-nose—the game lets up to six players take on the role of Russian battalion commanders attempting to “liberate” Ukrainian cities.
By “liberate,” they presumably mean “bomb into rubble before retreating in disarray.”
Actually, “Special Operation on the Outskirts,” plays on the Russian word Okraina, which means “outskirts” but is also a homophone of Ukraine— a linguistic sleight of hand echoing the Kremlin’s refusal to call its invasion a “war,” instead branding it a “special military operation.”
The game, which bills itself as a “modern-day Monopoly,” is a fitting metaphor for Russia’s war effort—except instead of collecting $200 for passing Go, players will likely experience mass equipment shortages, logistical nightmares, and an army held together with duct tape and prayers.
The game board is a battlefield of tanks, helicopters, and fiery explosions, which sounds about right—except they forgot the part where those Russian tanks are abandoned on the roadside, out of fuel.
According to the game’s description, Eastern Ukrainian cities “welcome the liberators,” while Western ones “succumb to enemy propaganda,” because nothing says “immersive experience” like pretending your war crimes are well-received.
As an added layer of cringe, the game is advertised as the perfect gift for Defenders of the Fatherland Day on Feb. 23—just one day before the anniversary of Russia’s biggest military miscalculation since Afghanistan.
Naturally, this got me thinking: what kind of board game would I create about Russia’s military prowess?
Introducing: “Disasterpiece: Russia at War”
Objective: As the Russian commander, your mission is to conquer Ukraine before your army collapses under its own incompetence. Spoiler: You will fail.
Game Pieces: A rusted Soviet-era tank, a broken-down Lada, a conscript missing a boot, and a convict mercenary who’s questioning his life choices.
Possible Chance Cards:
“General Mobilization Disaster” – You call up 300,000 barely trained conscripts, but they show up drunk, under-equipped, and some even flee the country. Lose a turn while you figure out where all your men went.
“Mystery Explosions in Crimea” – Your supposedly secure Black Sea Fleet base in Sevastopol just got rocked by a Ukrainian ATACMS strike. Lose two warships and move back three spaces.
“Friendly Fire Incident” – Your air defenses get so confused they shoot down one of your own Su-34 fighter jets. Pay 500,000 rubles in bribes to cover it up.
“Prigozhin’s Revenge” – Your top mercenary leader suddenly dies in a mysterious plane crash after criticizing the Kremlin. Roll a die: If you land on 6, your own officers start looking over their shoulders.
“The Great Tank Parade” – You send your prized T-90 tanks into battle, only for them to be destroyed by cheap Ukrainian drones and Saint Javelin. Advance one space in shame.
“Winter is Coming… and So Are the Freezing Conscripts” – Your troops are forced to dig trenches with shovels from the 19th century. Lose two morale points and a turn while waiting for actual supplies.
“Bridge Over Troubled Water” – You build a massive pontoon bridge over a river, only for Ukrainian artillery to obliterate it. Lose 10 armored vehicles and retreat 5 spaces.
“Strategic Genius” – Your top general orders a full-frontal assault on a well-defended Ukrainian city, forgetting that the enemy has modern weapons and competent leadership. Roll a die: if it’s even, your entire battalion is wiped out. If it’s odd, your entire battalion is also wiped out.
“Ghost of Kyiv Strikes Again” – Your pilots are so incompetent that Ukrainian fighter aces take them down one by one. Lose two aircraft and move back four spaces.
“Parade Troops vs. Actual Combat” – The soldiers you relied on for flashy Red Square parades perform terribly in actual combat. You lose a battle, but the propaganda ministry calls it a tactical withdrawal. Skip a turn while state TV spins the story.
Winning Condition: There isn’t one. Just like real life, the only endgame is sanctions, regime collapse, and a desperate plea for ceasefire negotiations.
At this rate, if Russia really wants to gamify its military performance, the best fit might be Jenga—because its entire operation is one wrong move away from total collapse.
Russia’s Ukraine War Monopoly has 124 reviews as of the time of this writing – the vast majority are extremely positive showing just how indoctrinated the Russian public really is.
If anyone knows a board game designer who wants to make my game, “Disasterpiece: Russia at War” a reality, hit me up! If we sell any we’ll donate all the proceeds to Ukraine.
I’ll leave you with some images of Russia’s Ukraine War Monopoly left by reviewers:
Слава Україні!
It's interesting to think of this game (your variant, I mean) as a teaching tool. I don't see that you have included any mechanism for war crimes in the Disasterpiece. Great choice!
I suppose the banker could be granted broader responsibility than in Monopoly, maybe with responsibility for the campaign but also for the impact on civilian economy. . .
Might make for some very short games.